Can
Leaders Have Bad Days? Yes and No (but mostly NO!)
I get it, we’re all human. We
have good days and bad days and going half mad days as Jimmy Buffet sings. As
leaders, though, are we allowed bad days? The answer is Yes and No, but mostly NO!
Let me explain.
Whether we want to admit it or
not, the workplace is an incredibly intimate place. We spend almost as much
time with our direct reports, colleagues, and supervisors as we do our own families!
Accordingly, our emotional lives are just as vital there than they are at home.
In short, we cannot pretend that the workplace is an emotional neutral
environment. In fact, I would say feelings matter more in the workplace than at
home since at home, our loved ones are more prepared to give us the benefit of
the doubt. In the workplace, however as leaders when can leave no doubt as to
our intentions and professionalism. Trust me, my dog is much more patient with
me than a new professional!
This brings me to the topic at
hand. I can think back on many times in my career where I have allowed
challenging situations in my personal life to impact my professional life. This
usually would manifest itself with being short with a team member, becoming
impatient with a colleague, or unfairly judgmental to a supervisor. In EVERY
instance, the result was my loss of credibility. Whatever temporary satisfaction
I received by acting in such a manner would in no way warrant the longer-term
impacts of such conduct.
Now I have heard speakers and
writers say that as leaders it is OK to be vulnerable!
We are so much more approachable if we
allow our teams to see our inner pain and emotional turbulence. With all
due respect, I disagree! When things are coming off the rails, I do not want my
leader to be “vulnerable”. Instead, I want them to be confident, decisive, and hopeful.
I want them to let me know everything is going to work out fine . . . not fall
apart.
But I digress. The bottom line
is that, for most part, your bad day is not the fault of your team or
colleagues. They had nothing to do with whatever got you upset so why take it
out on them? Here is why I believe some managers believe they can.
- Team members are safe targets – you do not have to go home to them so you think that gives you license to be short with them. Trust me, when you are unpleasant with a team member, I guarantee they take that home with them and wonder what they did to deserve such negative responses.
- Colleagues are just that. Not people you need to invest in . . . and you wonder why you can never get folks to collaborate with you!
- Supervisors are great targets. I often joke that it is our inalienable right to talk bad about our bosses! This has been our favorite past time since the dawn of time, and I am sure the builders of the pyramids had a long list of complaints! The problem is that such negative attributions are often unfair and result in a downward relationship spiral.
So what do we do about this?
Bad and challenging things do happen to us so how do we avoid bringing that in
the workplace?
Recognize the
emotion in the first place – a negative emotion is usually above the baseline
of our normally calm emotional lives. If you are feeling something different,
pay attention to it and recognize that you are in a bad mood or frustrated at
the moment.
Identify the source
of the negative emotion. Was it a disagreement with a partner? A fruitless
conversation with your internet provider (is there any other kind!?), or a
really bad hair day? Once you can accurately identify the true source of your
emotion, you can differentiate between the real source, which usually has
nothing to do with the people you work with.
Compartmentalize the
outside stress and sperate it from what is happening at work. This is hard to
do and takes discipline. There have been many times in my career when I had to
go from a very difficult and emotional meeting with a student and then facilitate
a workshop in a very upbeat and positive manner. The trick for me was to
recognize that this was a rough conversation and identify that it had an impact
on me. My option was to either let it continue to impact me or just take a few
deep breaths and move on.
Realize that
whatever has happened to you outside of work will have impacts at work. Trust
me, some bad days are wholly justified. In that case, the best strategy is not
come to work that day or if you do, just be upfront with your team and let them
know you have just experienced a difficult situation and to bear with you. Going
the extra step and letting them know how much just being around them is helping
will go a long way in building trust with your team.
Apologize. Finally,
if none of the above worked, you will need to make amends. Explain (not justify
or rationalize!) what happened and admit this was your deal and had nothing to
do with them. Recognize it was not their fault and you had no recourse to take
it out on them. This will be a difficult conversation but the price of not
having it will be even steeper. You will just need to decide if your awkwardness
or embarrassment is more important than your leadership credibility!
Now at this point you may be
thinking, “gees Bill, this is hard-core. It sounds like you are expecting me to
be super human!” My response is not “super human” but an elevated human who
rules and managers their emotions and not the other way around. As pastor and
leadership author Andy Stanley shares, leaders
have to be the grown ups in the room! We have to model that even in
emotionally intense situations, we can manage these emotions and act like
mature and stable leaders versus allow our emotions to rule us! Whether we like
it or not, that is what our followers expect from us. That is what they deserve
from us. This kind of emotional maturity is what they need from us.
As always if I can help you and
the people you associate with Get Better, Be Ready and LEAD OUT LOUD, I invite
you to contact me.
Yours in leadership,
Bill Faulkner
Independent Coach, Speaker,
and Trainer with the John Maxwell Team TM
Email
= bill@outloudinc.com
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